The evil marketing overlords have launched their annual cascade of back-to-school ads, destroying our summer bliss and reminding us that fall is just around the corner. And it seems the news cycle has joined the parade, because this week was chock-full of school-related headlines. Let’s take a look back as we cling desperately to the last days of the summer break:
The University of Michigan has proposed implementing live-in housing directors, also known as “frat moms,” in its fraternities. The proposal comes in response to an incident last year in which three UM bros somehow managed to cause $400,000 worth of damage in 45 rooms of a resort (if it weren’t so despicable, it might be kind of impressive). Of course, if the university really wants to whip these dudes into shape, it should consider bringing their actual mothers onto campus.
Twelve-year-old Nicole Barr, who recently scored a perfect 162 on a Mensa IQ test, is probably downright chuffed about the start of the new school year. Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking are believed to have had IQs of 160, making her score pretty impressive indeed. Barr belongs to a gypsy community in the U.K., and according to her mother, she is “a happy, fun-loving girl who is always asking for extra homework.” Barr’s IQ score puts her in the top one percent of the global population. Hopefully, this also makes her too smart to get sucked into the dark, sweeping vortex of TLC’s gypsy-themed programming.
To girls and ladies in need of school supplies, Bic has (categorically not) got you covered. In honor of Women’s Day in South Africa, the iconic pen maker made the ill-advised decision to post an ad on Facebook instructing female consumers to “Look like a girl. Act like a lady. Think like a man. Work like a boss.” Because of course, traditional concepts of femininity are ideal, but delicate lady brains are not capable of achieving success. Bic has previously come under fire for releasing a set of “For Her” pastel-colored pens. We would go on, but we’re becoming faint with over-exertion.